Aluminum Cans and String

There is a reason I do not pass text messages along. Is there a reason? There is a reason. A reason. Reason. You learn stuff that makes you think about stuff, that makes you think about other stuff. All its all Conz fault! The first message I've past along to a multitude of people. And I get a "I hate your guts" from Phil which is expected. But then the unexpected. I get a "I still wanna have sex with you". I read it twice debating if it's a joke or not. His way of being funny, I'm not sure because I'm not in front of him to see his smile light up his already bright face, and there is no just kidding following his statement. At a loss of words, I call my bestest, bfff, my boyfriend and share this news. Very lightly, very jokenly. However, I can't help being ever so slightly curious and I want to know why. Why?! Why after all this time is he still wondering what it would be like to have sex with me?

Not to say on those lonely nights more than fours months ago, I didn't wonder the same thing. That what if syndome. Yet I have been long over those lonely nights. And the thought no longer crossed my mind, until tonight.

In attempt to boost my already large ego, I tell him that I don't think that he could just have sex with me. Answering my question with a question, He asks could I just have sex with him. But somewhere in my mind, the word "just" changed meanings. My thoughts are replaced with imagery of him kissing down my navel ever so slowly. His body as he picked me off the floor and carried me to the bed and laid me across it. This scene that didn't end in the bond of bodies, played out like a romance novel. The look in his eyes -- the sincerity, no pleading, the desire, but not neediness -- the touch of his hands against my thin body, his hesistation to ensure my comfirmation, his gentleness against his strength. His soft lips pressed ever so lightly against mine and then slowly applying pressure. The way he grabbed my nose, the way he always does. How he wrapped my legs around him, fluidly rocking me back and forth, as if lulling a baby to sleep. What didn't end in a bonding of bodies, had to end in something else, for I haven't felt that connection with anyone else. And he admits neither has he.

This brings me to that often talked about topic: sex vs. making love. What is the difference? Is there a difference? How do you know which one you're doing? Can you decide or is it just something that has to be there?

I can't answer this questions. I wish I could. All I know is what happened that night, what I was doing before and what I'm doing now is all different. That night I felt a connection that didn't feel like I was about to have sex, didn't simply feel like pleasure. Yet how can you can such a connection with someone you've barely been with for a month. It just doesn't seem fair. Currently I don't feel like I'm just having sex, yet I don't feel like I'm making love. This is frustrating! I want to know why!

Why could we feel that, yet couldn't maintain a relationship?

I have no hard feeling for him. We had a nice clean break-up. I would say it was mutual but it was not, it was his decision. Yet his decision did not leave me heartbroken, it did not leave me bitter. And because of this, I am able to remain his friend. I was never I really big fan of second chances. But we did give our relationship a second chance. But it didn't last long. Haha, he even stood me up for prom. However, that wasn't such a bad thing because it caused a snowball effect that led me to my current relationship status. :) . And I am truly, unbelievably happy.

But now I can't help wonder about that spark...