Mirror, Mirror

I wrote this like 6 days ago, but here goes.

But I gotta let you know and the shit that I did make me feel like I'm dying real slow. Cause no one understands me. They don't know what to do when I'm hurt and when I'm angry. You was my friend, my man and my daddy.

I started out wanting to right a poem but every attempt turns into some type of letter or blog. As I sit in church, cramping and trying to stay awake on 3 hours of sleep from a restless tearful night.

Last night I was listening to Nicki Minaj's Autobiogaphy hich is easily my favorite song. I've listened to it a million times before but last night I cried hella tears. I could blame it on pms and I think that's what I'll do. lol.

Last night I realize the song centered around three very important people that I'll probably never escape: my father, Steven and my unborn child. She captures an emotion so raw on that track, so real, so similar.


"I hate you so much that it burns when I look at you"

That's how I feel when I talk to my dad. I don't want to waste my words on him. Nothing I say or do, will improve my relationship with him and he lost his opportunity a long time ago. I feel I said everything I would ever want to say to him. I'M NOT BACKING DOWN THIS TIME.

Eventually I will stop blogging about him. One day he won't get to me at all. One day it'll be as if he doesn't exist. Just not anytime soon :(


To concieve you then leave you. The concept alone seems evil. I'm trapped in my conscience.

I WILL NEVER LET GO OF THIS. IT'S TRAPPED IN MY CONSCIENCE. It's been over a year since I did it. And he or she would've been one years old earlier this month. I've alloed myself to forget the date in order to heal and move on. I've gotten a lot better. Still I'll always feel a tiny void.

So I talked about everything but what I planned to talk about. Perhaps in the next post I'll get around to it. I should get back to paying attention in church.

So Gone

You make me feel so gone.

So tomorrow is the first official day I go home since my birthday/Easter. Yeah I know. I've only been in that house to drop off some clothes. And the reason for that is simple: my father.

I cannot be in a room with him for longer than 15 minutes without killing myself. He is the most hypocritical person I know. When I'm around him I either want to kill him or myself.

Face to face, we will be tomorrow. Without me being able to use my cousin or anything else as an excuse. I know he will want to discuss, what I do want to discuss, let alone think about. But I can't run from it anymore. Cat's out the bag. This is most one shot to tell him that I'm an individual and I will no longer blindly follow him. I wont let my spirit, my happiness, my freedom be broken my him.

If he can't open-mindedly aceept that, he will deeply regret it in the future. Because seeing me will be like a seeing a blue moon.

If we can't cordially do this, I'm so gone, and I might not be coming back. The only person that has the power to make me consider it is my brother. I love him as if I carried him for nine months and pushed him out myself, but I swear if I have to choose between being captive to see him and escaping with my sanity, I'll choose my sanity and hope he'll understand in the future.

When I am honest with myself. I miss him. Very much. I miss how we use to be. I believe it this poison I surrounded by that makes me think otherwise. The constant independent woman empowerment thats taken to another level. The common "woman scorned" syndrome rubbing off on me, when he has done nothing to offend me. Or perhaps the you can do better. Even better the summer season of "fuck 'em and forget 'em. I am clouded by the strong woman that I am suppose to me, just as every other woman in my family is. I see the flaws in my childhood role model and yet I am magnetically stepping into her footsteps as if she herself is possessing my mind and body.

I need to be away, alone, under the warm glow of sunlight and the green tones of grass. Where I can take pleasures in the simple things and write poetry.

I'm a horrible person

Possibly the Last

I think this will possibly the last time I come home for the summer. Things go so wrong. I'd rather be left alone but their is no possibility of that. I'd rather just fast forward a couple of year, but that's also not possible. Why are things so well, and then so bad. Why are we not allowed long term happiness. Why is that so hard to achieve.

I think I'll go home in a little while.

Finally face my dad and get it over with. Finally be allowed to sink into my solitude. I think I've had enough excitement for a while. Think I've done my independence thing.

I realize I'm just bound not to have fun in the summer. I've havent had a fun summer since before high school. I'd like to say I've gotten used to it. But each year I have high hopes that fall through.

I done with hoping, wishing, and planning. It's all a waste. In the end I never get what I want. Never get what I worked hard for. Never get what I deserve. So what's the point in trying.

I always have big goals. And part of be wants to achieve them. And another part wants me to sink into background. Lead a quiet, peaceful life. Get away from this world, in which I don't fit. It hurts sometimes to know I don't fit.

Sometimes I just don't feel like trying anymore. Sometimes the extra effort is a little too much.

Indian Summer

How do I get better, once I've had the best.

So I've been overcome with the overwhelming feeling to change my life around. It start my life plan over. Begin again. For the longest I've NEVER wanted to have children. EVER. Not because I don't like children, but because I didn't want the responsibility. I didn't want to be in charge of someone else's life. Be a main component of someone else's outcome. After all, I realize how I turned out. But now I can't wait. In fact, I'm starting to think that I would be much happier being a stay at home mom.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.

I supposedly have a best friend I never talk to. And question presented before was whether I would make a contact attempt. My first thought "why, it wont be returned". My second thought, "I'd rather not deal with the fakeness." You can't go from barely talking to someone for a year to spending the summer with them? I believe I've lost a friend....

I can't stop, don't care if lose, you are the weapon i choose.....I'm going down in flames for you

So, I think I'm almost to the point where I'm ready to tell my dad, I'm over it. I'm over trying to please him. And I not ever planning to let go of steven, so he can get that thought out his head....babe, I'm going down in flames for you.

Life's like an hourglass glued to the table.

Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time. And then sometimes, I'm glad I can't. Mistakes help you learn and grow. I believe I would be a different a person if I haven't gone through some of the stuff I've been through. I'm wiser, but little more weary of the world now. I've wear my heart on my sleeve, and some people take that for granted. I've done giving out slices of my heart, you have to earn it now...including my dad.

And she will be loved.

I've found someone who loves me for me and its the most amazing thing I've ever felt. To know that I can just be myself, and not the person I think he wants. I don't have to try or act...I just have to be. I don't have to censor my thoughts, I don't have to be ashamed. I used to think, that no one would want to put up with me and therefore I had to adapt to the needs of others. But here I am just being plain old Danielle, flaws and all, and I'm loved :)

I lost my fake id.

I'm learning who I am each and everyday, not the good girl I been taught to be. I realize that I do indeed have an identity separate from what my parents thought I should be. That I don't have to ignore that thoughts and impulses that don't agree with those of my parents. I'm not a robot, I have my own thoughts, goals, morals. I shouldn't have to pretend. My parents should accept me for who I am.

She even fixs me pancakes and alka-seltzer when my tummy hurts.

I've always envisioned myself of a wife. It's just one of the roles, that I feel completes me. A lot of people think thats bad and sometimes I worry if it is. I shouldn't need a man to complete me right? It's hard to balance yourself with your roles, and many people lose themselves in the roles of wife and mother. I think I would be happy by myself but much happier with someone else.

Blank stares at blank pages....You are not what I thought you were.

Haha this brings me right back to my dad. What do I say to him. To make him realize, I'm not perfect, that I will never be, and therefore I'm going to be content with me. I used to think he was perfect. That he was the greatest father ever. For one, I was home when most dads were MIA. But now I'm not so sure. I still at lot of flaws that I can't get over. Nevertheless, when people attack him, I always found some way to defend him. But I don't think I can't do that for him it anymore. I can't write him a love song.....

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great.


*This post was written with the collabo of Pandora....

Vice Versa

And I thought irony only existed in books.....


Just when I thought I had everything I could possibly want or need. Just when I thought I was happy. Scratch that, I am happy, or at least I'm trying to be. I get knocked back down, and this time there's not much I can do to stop it.

That's what happens when you become emotionally attached to something or someone. It's like the 'twin effect.' Even when you're not together you feel every little thing. You hurt when they hurt, laugh when they laugh and cry when they cry. Being the sympathetic person I am, I usually have no problem with this except when it jeopardizes my sanity.

I have been battling depression for a very long time. This past year more so than ever. I even have scars to prove it. Hurt and pain from deep within prevented me from functioning. I couldn't make it through a week without breaking down. So many years I fought off harmful thoughts.

And this year almost miraculously I feel like a brand new person. I stopped crying my self to sleep every night. The dark poetry and journals ceased, and I felt free. I found someone who loved me through all my mistakes and that in turn helped me love myself. Helped me stop being so critical of my self. To leave the past in the past and move on to a brighter future.

Now the one who helped me overcome my depression has fallen into one. I should be supportive, right? I know how it feels to be so low. I should be able to help, right?

I should but I CANNOT. I can't go back to that place. As much as I want to be there and to help I can't do it. It's selfish of me to demand happiness. But I know I can't go back to crying every night. As much as I love him, my thought today was not to call him because I can tolerate the sound of sadness in his voice. It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do about it. I wish there was a simple cure, but there isn't.

I feel so selfish. he tolerated my depression for all these years. And even though he didn't know what to say or do, he was there. The least I could do is try. And I want to help in every way I can.

But I cannot go back down the road. I can't blindly follow him down that path. I love him so dearly, but I won't lose my sanity. I don't know what to do......

Tears On My Pillow

I have never been so touched my tears. Never in my life. I'm often sympathetic. I hate to see tears, although I have no problem shedding them.

But as I felt those tear drops fall from his eyes, down his face and onto my shoulder I would have given anything in the world to make them stop. There's something so unconditional about my love for him. That I would do anything. His sadness transferred to me as I lay in his arms wiping away the tears. Feeling his wet (jealousy evoking) eyelashes against the hand that he had previously put a ring on, but no longer rested there. Only because I'm a spoiled hard to please brat. I had turned down the most beautiful thing Ive ever received because it wasn't the shape I wanted!!!

Ok, so I drifted away from the topic. I am listening to music. And of course that gets me going on an emotional roller coaster not to mention I'm pmsing!

And my all time favorite song comes on. For You I will ~ Monica. Enough said!

a + = a - feeling

Hmm, I haven't been here in a while. I would say that I was busying living life, but that's a lie! I was just lazy. I had a pretty interesting break that didn't go at all how I planned. But I can't complain. I won't complain.

During this break I discovered some things about myself. Some things about Steven. And some things about our relationship. We've made plans, changed plans, cancelled plans. Me, I'm always looking to the future. Always, making some plot. And although I've faced some scary things this break I felt safe. I was calm with the thought of having someone like Steven.

I was prepared to change my whole life around, but that wasn't necessary. Sorta wish it was. Kinda disappointed. But I'm glad to have someone like Steven. He makes me so so so so happy. I don't know what it is. I can't quite put my finger on it. But when I fall asleep thinking about him with Brownie in my arms, I think about a future.

I was one of those people that couldn't understand how people could get married right after high school. But I guess if they know for sure that there's no one else they want to be with, then there's no point in waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Hmmm, I don't wanna wait. I guess I finally understand.

Goal for the next 3.5 years : Put at least 10% of my check into my *special savings account*