Aluminum Cans and String

There is a reason I do not pass text messages along. Is there a reason? There is a reason. A reason. Reason. You learn stuff that makes you think about stuff, that makes you think about other stuff. All its all Conz fault! The first message I've past along to a multitude of people. And I get a "I hate your guts" from Phil which is expected. But then the unexpected. I get a "I still wanna have sex with you". I read it twice debating if it's a joke or not. His way of being funny, I'm not sure because I'm not in front of him to see his smile light up his already bright face, and there is no just kidding following his statement. At a loss of words, I call my bestest, bfff, my boyfriend and share this news. Very lightly, very jokenly. However, I can't help being ever so slightly curious and I want to know why. Why?! Why after all this time is he still wondering what it would be like to have sex with me?

Not to say on those lonely nights more than fours months ago, I didn't wonder the same thing. That what if syndome. Yet I have been long over those lonely nights. And the thought no longer crossed my mind, until tonight.

In attempt to boost my already large ego, I tell him that I don't think that he could just have sex with me. Answering my question with a question, He asks could I just have sex with him. But somewhere in my mind, the word "just" changed meanings. My thoughts are replaced with imagery of him kissing down my navel ever so slowly. His body as he picked me off the floor and carried me to the bed and laid me across it. This scene that didn't end in the bond of bodies, played out like a romance novel. The look in his eyes -- the sincerity, no pleading, the desire, but not neediness -- the touch of his hands against my thin body, his hesistation to ensure my comfirmation, his gentleness against his strength. His soft lips pressed ever so lightly against mine and then slowly applying pressure. The way he grabbed my nose, the way he always does. How he wrapped my legs around him, fluidly rocking me back and forth, as if lulling a baby to sleep. What didn't end in a bonding of bodies, had to end in something else, for I haven't felt that connection with anyone else. And he admits neither has he.

This brings me to that often talked about topic: sex vs. making love. What is the difference? Is there a difference? How do you know which one you're doing? Can you decide or is it just something that has to be there?

I can't answer this questions. I wish I could. All I know is what happened that night, what I was doing before and what I'm doing now is all different. That night I felt a connection that didn't feel like I was about to have sex, didn't simply feel like pleasure. Yet how can you can such a connection with someone you've barely been with for a month. It just doesn't seem fair. Currently I don't feel like I'm just having sex, yet I don't feel like I'm making love. This is frustrating! I want to know why!

Why could we feel that, yet couldn't maintain a relationship?

I have no hard feeling for him. We had a nice clean break-up. I would say it was mutual but it was not, it was his decision. Yet his decision did not leave me heartbroken, it did not leave me bitter. And because of this, I am able to remain his friend. I was never I really big fan of second chances. But we did give our relationship a second chance. But it didn't last long. Haha, he even stood me up for prom. However, that wasn't such a bad thing because it caused a snowball effect that led me to my current relationship status. :) . And I am truly, unbelievably happy.

But now I can't help wonder about that spark...

From an ending comes new beginnings

So, I went on a rant about Will and Scientology. But I must say that I forgot about all that an hour ago. The last hour of that movie really picked up. The movie was good I must say. Truly better than it started out. It takes real compassion to do what Will's character did. I know I could never do it. But anyhow, good movie. I made me cry the last 15 minutes in anticipation of what was going to happen. I just knew it, I felt it coming. Well sort of. lmao. Ugh! I hate my sensitivity though! It's a movie, I shouldn't be crying!!! DAMN!

Drop A Hint

So here is my Christmas List
1. new parents
2. new roommates

haha naw I'm just kidding.

So I'm currently watching 7 Pounds. Yes, I know it just came out about two hours ago. Yes, I know I'm a criminal. But in the words of a wise friend. It's only illegal if you download, not if you watch it online.

So I'm watching this movie that I wouldn't dare pay to go see. It's not all that! And I realize that Will Smith has been coming out with some random or just plain weird/creepy shit. (I'm terrified of I am Legend, although it was good). Then I realize that he's also into that Scientology stuff.

Then I think omg Tom Cruise is into that Scientology stuff and he has also been coming out with some crazy movies. Then I think about Katie Holmes....what can I say about poor Katie Holmes (except that she's not poor) But the child has looked deranged, sickly, crazy, just in bad shape since she hooked up with Tom. So I have a thought, what if all this is connected!

Since I'm such an internet addict. Yes, I admit I have a problem, but I'm not seeking help yet...I know I should be though because it's definitely affecting my sleep. But anyways, so I type into my little google box "scientology" and of course wiki pops up.

Mind you in watching this movie too...mmhmm is it a coincidence that some of the stuff on the wiki site matches some stuff in the movie..or perhaps I'm just tired and making false connections. Or could it be that I'm bored and just want to blog?

Whatever the reason, the word "audit" sticks out to me. Will Smith plays a IRS agent or whatever you call the people that repo your shit if you don't pay the government. He does this thing where he goes around "auditing" sickly people, in which he kind of observes them to determine if they are good people or whatnot and if he should help them, I'm guess from he's flashbacks he cause some terribe accident that killed his wife and maybe six other people. But I'm not sure because I paused the movie to write this...

So he's doing this "audit" interview type counseling sessions with this people. And I'm reading on the wiki scientology page that they have this thing by the same title. Oh wow! What a coincidence, what a surprise.

What is an audit in terms of scientology? Well according to wiki, auditing is a one-on-one session with a Scientology counselor or "auditor" (can anybody say will smith?) in which the "preclear" discloses specific traumatic incidents, prior transgressions, or bad decisions. The auditor may collect personal information about the person being audited and it is kept in a folder called the preclear folder ( note that will smith was seen throughout the movie with folders while "auditing" the people he would later decided whether to help or not).

Will makes a mention of spaceships and outerspace which is what the Scienology belief is founded on. Belivers belive some alien ruler brought people to Earth in spaceships.

Haha maybe I'm just overanalyizing stuff..it's late, I'm tired. And I still have an hour of the movie to finish....or maybe Will is just dropping a hint who knows.


***All I know is that I can't get down with Scientology, just because they think psychiatry is evil. And that my future career. :(. Haha so no scientology for me. I think Imma stick with Jesus. lol.

What if the apple wants to roll away from the tree?

So I got distracted by what I really wanted to blog because my roommate is fucking IGNORANT! So I come in from work about an hour ago, shower and shit, about to knock out some homework and some reading. So naturally I have my light on, right? This trick (thought I'd be nice and not call her a bitch!), so anyway this trick instead of asking me to maybe turn my light off, or be diplomatic about the situation decides to act childish. Don't you hate when people deeply sigh and huff when they're irritated by something instead of using words. So she's doing that, while tossing and turning, finally she decides to cover herself with her blanket and pillow! Now normally I'm nice about shit like this, its late people wanna sleep so normally I would stumble in the darkness so she wouldn't have to be disturbed by my light. Not after watching seeing "It's Pimpin Pimpin' (ok maybe not a good excuse) I decided to have to be in tune with my motherfucking star player, which is me! So I'm in a "fuck that" mood! And if she wants to be ignorant, I can be ignorant too. Although I do know that two wrongs do not make a right. lol.

Which brings me to what my original topic was: my mother! It has always been my goal to NEVER EVER be like my mother, but unfortunately we are more alike than I would like to believe or reveal. Her characteristics have always been dominate in me although I would never admit. I get my attitude, my facials expressions, my figure from my mom. Every gesture I make can somewhat be derived from my mom.

I've always considered my mom evil, like a total bitch! Yet now that I'm no longer at home, I've recently discovered that this is not the case 100% of the time. I think our relationship is building a stronger foundation now. We chat through AIM, watch videos on YouTube, do stuff that I've always wanted to do with my mom. But I can only wonder why now and not when I was at home?

I have learned many life lessons from her. Many that I didn't think were important before. I used to think that it was best to always try to be nice to others. But my mom taught me niceness will get you run over! That is so true, people tend to take advantage of the kind, generous people. You will not be liked by everyone and you are only being real with yourself when you have enemies! Most people never like to see you prosperous or happy. If everyone loves you 1) they're either fake and talk about you behind your back or 2) you're fake and you adapt to the people around you.

I think most importantly is that don't be so quick to make friends. Everyone isn't friend material. I remember I had a conversation with Steven about what I thought a friend was or should be, and he made mention that maybe my standards were too high. I get my standards of a friend from my mom. Friends are those you are loyal, caring and there for you whenever, where ever. The type that's willing to stay up to 3 am helping you through your problems, the type that will cry with you, laugh with you. The ones that WON'T lie to you just to make you feel better or to keep you from hurting but will tell the truth and offer comfort afterwards.

And so it isn't a big surprise that neither me nor my mom have many friends. I think we can both count our friends on one hand. I love her no nonsense when it comes to friends. If a person can easily violate your trust, drop them cause they're not really a friend. I can't even count the number of times I've told my mom about friend problems and she told me to drop them. Yet I didn't and in the end I was stabbed in the back. It's okay to be associates, to have hanging buddies, but you have to earn the right to be a friend!

So I think maybe it's not so bad that I'm like my mother. She's taught me to be strong and independent, not to let little things interfere with my life. Her favorite sayings: "Why do you like such small things affect your day?" "If I can make you upset, then it mean I'm not upset" Ha ha, I think I get all my indifference from her! I love my mom, even if she can act a little bipolar at times.

Life Needs An Eraser

So as I'm listening to B's new cd, it reminds me of how much I love Steven. Then Broken-hearted Girl comes on. And so unexpectedly. So out of the blue. Tears start to stream down my face. And even though I want to stop, as I try to stop, I can't. I hate that. I hate when music overpowers me to the point that I can't think, til images and memories flood me and I am overcome with emotion.

Broken-Hearted Girl is precisely the story of my life. My life prior to Steven. My life a year ago. Wow its been a year and yet I remember every detail as if it were yesterday. As if he broke my heart yesterday. I stayed longer than I should've because I didn't want to be the broken heart girl, I didn't want to be that girl. So I stayed and tried to hold on to the good while everything else was callapsing around me. I can't even pick out one of part of the song because all of its true. Every verse every line, every word. But the line that stands out the most is "You're the only one I wish I could forget, The only one I love not to forgive".

I hate that I reacted this way to this song because I so want to be over it. To not think of him at all and to not feel anything when I do. Do cuts go so deep that they never fully heal, that when you touch the scars they still hurt? I feel I'll never truely be at peace and I want to, I need to. Even when I have someone who is just almost perfect, somebody who treats me so good, loves me so much. He fits B's "Halo" perfectly but yet I still get caught up in the past. How do I let go and move on?

The Sun Doesn't Shine Here

Not long ago, I gave up hope
But you came along
And gave me something
I could hold onto

The World Has Its Shine (but I would Drop It on a Dime)
~Cobra Starship

After revealing my deepest darkest secret to my best friend. I have heard a mumbled I love you and silence. Dead silence. Nothing. No words. No sound. Emptiness. She had hung up. And I was left sitting in a room with my roommates, not knowing what to do. So I did what I thought was logical to me. Steven.

The problem with dating your bestest. Is that when you're mad at your boyfriend, you have no one. You can't exactly separate the two. And so I sit here with one friend in shock and tears and the other taking shots of tequila and texting me song lyrics.

I'm hurt, but I know I hurt my bestfriend more. "why didn't you tell me, I would've told you" I didn't even have a chance to offer a reason. But there are no reasons. You don't keep secrets from best friends right. I chose to struggle. By myslef when I could have had support

But I didn't know that then and I'm not sure if I know it now.......

Etched in Skin

So as he got all suited up in black, prepared to lead his mission as a priest for Halloween, I sat at my desk crying my eyes out. Unable to convey what I was feeling, what I was missing, what I was needing. The spells they come and go. Ups and downs; uncontrollable. Unlike a roller coaster I can't prepare for the drop because I never see it coming, until it hits me dead in the face. Until I find myself drowning in salty raindrops and my throat squeezes out the air I'm trying to inhale.

And watching stars without you
My soul cries
My heaving heart
Is full of pain
When we're apart
The aching...
~Still In Love (Kissing You) Beyonce

I don't know what it is about this song. Every time I listen my eyes water and my heart hurts. It's one of the most beautiful song I've ever heard by Beyonce. It's like she puts some of her own emotion into it. You feel it deep within your soul. It's been on repeat mode for like an hour. Background music for the tears rolling down my face. Music is life, it's there through happiness, sadness and everything inbetween. It captures the feeling you can't describe yourself. My soul is connected to music and without it I don't know where I would be.

So I stumbled across this group on facebook TWLOHA. Which is short for To Write Love On Her Arm. I fell in love. A group that deals with teen depression, self-mutilation, and various disorders. Depression is real. It's not a switch that you can turn on and off, like people who don't understand tend to believe. It's like you have no control. It's an illness and is just as strong and deadly as cancer and AIDS. It poisons the brain until you can't think straight. TWLOHA is there to say that you're not alone and that love can help overcome obstacles, no matter what type of illness your going through from depression to eatting disorders and other addictions. I am in support of TWLOHA. Maybe I can glue my heart back together with love and support. Instead of etching my pain into skin or swallowing my hope, I can reach out to others and get through my issues with other on my side.

Blue Christmas

When I step outside at 7 pm, the sun no longer shines in my eyes. Instead I am enveloped in darkness. It over takes my senses and it penetrates my soul. With the fading sun, my warm feelings also fade. They are replaced with the winter blues. The drowsiness of the evening puts me in a soft, reflective mood. And I end my day depressed.

But it could easily be this exam, or the fact that I'm at home on halloween while others are out having fun.

Either way the quiet floods me.
I am empty.

Screwing Around With Monogamy

So leaving class this morning after passing a quiz in my mind-numbing math class, it hit me just as hard as the wind whipped across my face upon exiting the building, that I'm a serial monogamist. I LOVE being in long-term relationships. That maybe seem like a flaw to others, and often times to myself. Nevertheless I realize that I am not the occasional dater (for I can count on one hand the guys I have passionately kissed). I'm not the girl who is content to have fun by herself or just chills the girls. Not saying that I can't do these things, but I get often lonely at times. Is it wrong to need a significant other to feel complete? Or is that saying I'm seriously lacking something in areas of my life?

Every happy time in my life, that doesn't involves family and friends, has something to do with new love in my life. It radiates from me. The glow of love, the smile of happiness and the laughter of joy. I'm quite optimistic when it comes to relationships. I naively wish each one will last forever and sadly end up heartbroken each time. It's my loyalty that causes this heartbreak because every person/relationship have warnings. Although I see the red lights flaring, I often zoom past the proceed with caution sign. And even when things start to spiral down, I'm still on the plane until it crashes and burns. Scattering my heart each time leaving me to pick up the pieces or at least give it to the next willingly person to take on the task. I'm the rare ride or die chick. I'm with it til the end. I actually heed those wedding vows: for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness. AND I'M NOT EVEN MARRIED. It's quite sad to say that I've only ended one relationship, JUST ONE, when so many of them went wrong. Whether it was cowardice or hope that made me stay I do not know.

What I do know is that the relationship I did end has by far been the hardest thing I've ever done related to relationships. Forgiving is way easier than leaving. Forgetting is not a option and loving never stops. But I felt something in that relationship that I've never felt before. I finally understood the saying A thin line between love and hate. I stayed longer than I should have and I can't even lie and say I did not know why. I know the exact reasons why I stayed 1) I thought I still loved him 2) The sex was good 3) I need something from him. The additional month and half that I stayed, I felt something I've never felt before. A deep hatred grew inside of me. The sight of him made me sick, his voice disgusted me. How could I begin to hate someone I once loved. I began to wonder if I ever truly loved him. I couldn't even ponder "If not love what was it? Lust? Sex? Surely all the late nights we laid wrapped up in each others arms or the way he tenderly kissed my shoulder blade was love, it just had to be!!

A year has past and I still cannot distinguish what our relationship was. All I know is that after months of bliss, I was dying, and I knew we had no future. No matter how long I stayed, how hard I tried, or how much I wanted it. So I proceed to accomplish or rather initiate my first break- up knowing that it was the right thing to do, but feeling that my world had come to an end. I remember the day and the weeks that followed clearly. I cried, we fought, I reminisced, he called, I answered, he begged, I cried more. We ended in violence, anger and regret. He be as arrogant as ever said I would be back, and I was set to prove him wrong. He was right. Memories brought me back, and it was memories that drove me away. Memories that were so bad I could not look at him, shit I couldn't even face myself in the mirror After weeks of loneliness, longing and thoughts of old times, I was back. Hoping to rekindle any flame that remained before certain events caused me to loathe him. He took me back. I discovered that I had scarred him, and he desperate and maliciously tried to get back at me. I had put myself in the position to be hurt again. This time a saw the dagger stab me in the heart and I was too late to move. After finally realizing what we had was gone, buried somewhere irretrievable, I let go and moved on in order to save my sanity, because my dignity was already far too gone.

But some people just don't know how to let go. Eight months later and I'm still battling my demons. Unfortunately he still has a grasp on my sanity, there is an undeniable unbreakable link that will forever hold us together. And although I stated that forgiving is easy. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive and as long as I live I know I've never ever forget. As I'm fighting for my sanity back, I have once again given my heart to someone who is also willing to join the war. So far it's working.

New Beginnings

So I find my self starting a blog! Why? I have no clue, but after reading Conz I felt a lil inspired. The fact that is 2:30 am and I can't sleep doesn't help the cause. This is suppose to be relaxing, I'll see how that goes. Either one of two things will happen. 1) I'll get extremely bored with it and stop. or 2) I'll get extremely into this and become addicted. So welcome inside my head.