So as he got all suited up in black, prepared to lead his mission as a priest for Halloween, I sat at my desk crying my eyes out. Unable to convey what I was feeling, what I was missing, what I was needing. The spells they come and go. Ups and downs; uncontrollable. Unlike a roller coaster I can't prepare for the drop because I never see it coming, until it hits me dead in the face. Until I find myself drowning in salty raindrops and my throat squeezes out the air I'm trying to inhale.
And watching stars without you
My soul cries
My heaving heart
Is full of pain
When we're apart
The aching...
~Still In Love (Kissing You) Beyonce
I don't know what it is about this song. Every time I listen my eyes water and my heart hurts. It's one of the most beautiful song I've ever heard by Beyonce. It's like she puts some of her own emotion into it. You feel it deep within your soul. It's been on repeat mode for like an hour. Background music for the tears rolling down my face. Music is life, it's there through happiness, sadness and everything inbetween. It captures the feeling you can't describe yourself. My soul is connected to music and without it I don't know where I would be.
So I stumbled across this group on facebook TWLOHA. Which is short for To Write Love On Her Arm. I fell in love. A group that deals with teen depression, self-mutilation, and various disorders. Depression is real. It's not a switch that you can turn on and off, like people who don't understand tend to believe. It's like you have no control. It's an illness and is just as strong and deadly as cancer and AIDS. It poisons the brain until you can't think straight. TWLOHA is there to say that you're not alone and that love can help overcome obstacles, no matter what type of illness your going through from depression to eatting disorders and other addictions. I am in support of TWLOHA. Maybe I can glue my heart back together with love and support. Instead of etching my pain into skin or swallowing my hope, I can reach out to others and get through my issues with other on my side.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Blue Christmas
When I step outside at 7 pm, the sun no longer shines in my eyes. Instead I am enveloped in darkness. It over takes my senses and it penetrates my soul. With the fading sun, my warm feelings also fade. They are replaced with the winter blues. The drowsiness of the evening puts me in a soft, reflective mood. And I end my day depressed.
But it could easily be this exam, or the fact that I'm at home on halloween while others are out having fun.
Either way the quiet floods me.
I am empty.
But it could easily be this exam, or the fact that I'm at home on halloween while others are out having fun.
Either way the quiet floods me.
I am empty.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Screwing Around With Monogamy
So leaving class this morning after passing a quiz in my mind-numbing math class, it hit me just as hard as the wind whipped across my face upon exiting the building, that I'm a serial monogamist. I LOVE being in long-term relationships. That maybe seem like a flaw to others, and often times to myself. Nevertheless I realize that I am not the occasional dater (for I can count on one hand the guys I have passionately kissed). I'm not the girl who is content to have fun by herself or just chills the girls. Not saying that I can't do these things, but I get often lonely at times. Is it wrong to need a significant other to feel complete? Or is that saying I'm seriously lacking something in areas of my life?
Every happy time in my life, that doesn't involves family and friends, has something to do with new love in my life. It radiates from me. The glow of love, the smile of happiness and the laughter of joy. I'm quite optimistic when it comes to relationships. I naively wish each one will last forever and sadly end up heartbroken each time. It's my loyalty that causes this heartbreak because every person/relationship have warnings. Although I see the red lights flaring, I often zoom past the proceed with caution sign. And even when things start to spiral down, I'm still on the plane until it crashes and burns. Scattering my heart each time leaving me to pick up the pieces or at least give it to the next willingly person to take on the task. I'm the rare ride or die chick. I'm with it til the end. I actually heed those wedding vows: for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness. AND I'M NOT EVEN MARRIED. It's quite sad to say that I've only ended one relationship, JUST ONE, when so many of them went wrong. Whether it was cowardice or hope that made me stay I do not know.
What I do know is that the relationship I did end has by far been the hardest thing I've ever done related to relationships. Forgiving is way easier than leaving. Forgetting is not a option and loving never stops. But I felt something in that relationship that I've never felt before. I finally understood the saying A thin line between love and hate. I stayed longer than I should have and I can't even lie and say I did not know why. I know the exact reasons why I stayed 1) I thought I still loved him 2) The sex was good 3) I need something from him. The additional month and half that I stayed, I felt something I've never felt before. A deep hatred grew inside of me. The sight of him made me sick, his voice disgusted me. How could I begin to hate someone I once loved. I began to wonder if I ever truly loved him. I couldn't even ponder "If not love what was it? Lust? Sex? Surely all the late nights we laid wrapped up in each others arms or the way he tenderly kissed my shoulder blade was love, it just had to be!!
A year has past and I still cannot distinguish what our relationship was. All I know is that after months of bliss, I was dying, and I knew we had no future. No matter how long I stayed, how hard I tried, or how much I wanted it. So I proceed to accomplish or rather initiate my first break- up knowing that it was the right thing to do, but feeling that my world had come to an end. I remember the day and the weeks that followed clearly. I cried, we fought, I reminisced, he called, I answered, he begged, I cried more. We ended in violence, anger and regret. He be as arrogant as ever said I would be back, and I was set to prove him wrong. He was right. Memories brought me back, and it was memories that drove me away. Memories that were so bad I could not look at him, shit I couldn't even face myself in the mirror After weeks of loneliness, longing and thoughts of old times, I was back. Hoping to rekindle any flame that remained before certain events caused me to loathe him. He took me back. I discovered that I had scarred him, and he desperate and maliciously tried to get back at me. I had put myself in the position to be hurt again. This time a saw the dagger stab me in the heart and I was too late to move. After finally realizing what we had was gone, buried somewhere irretrievable, I let go and moved on in order to save my sanity, because my dignity was already far too gone.
But some people just don't know how to let go. Eight months later and I'm still battling my demons. Unfortunately he still has a grasp on my sanity, there is an undeniable unbreakable link that will forever hold us together. And although I stated that forgiving is easy. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive and as long as I live I know I've never ever forget. As I'm fighting for my sanity back, I have once again given my heart to someone who is also willing to join the war. So far it's working.
Every happy time in my life, that doesn't involves family and friends, has something to do with new love in my life. It radiates from me. The glow of love, the smile of happiness and the laughter of joy. I'm quite optimistic when it comes to relationships. I naively wish each one will last forever and sadly end up heartbroken each time. It's my loyalty that causes this heartbreak because every person/relationship have warnings. Although I see the red lights flaring, I often zoom past the proceed with caution sign. And even when things start to spiral down, I'm still on the plane until it crashes and burns. Scattering my heart each time leaving me to pick up the pieces or at least give it to the next willingly person to take on the task. I'm the rare ride or die chick. I'm with it til the end. I actually heed those wedding vows: for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness. AND I'M NOT EVEN MARRIED. It's quite sad to say that I've only ended one relationship, JUST ONE, when so many of them went wrong. Whether it was cowardice or hope that made me stay I do not know.
What I do know is that the relationship I did end has by far been the hardest thing I've ever done related to relationships. Forgiving is way easier than leaving. Forgetting is not a option and loving never stops. But I felt something in that relationship that I've never felt before. I finally understood the saying A thin line between love and hate. I stayed longer than I should have and I can't even lie and say I did not know why. I know the exact reasons why I stayed 1) I thought I still loved him 2) The sex was good 3) I need something from him. The additional month and half that I stayed, I felt something I've never felt before. A deep hatred grew inside of me. The sight of him made me sick, his voice disgusted me. How could I begin to hate someone I once loved. I began to wonder if I ever truly loved him. I couldn't even ponder "If not love what was it? Lust? Sex? Surely all the late nights we laid wrapped up in each others arms or the way he tenderly kissed my shoulder blade was love, it just had to be!!
A year has past and I still cannot distinguish what our relationship was. All I know is that after months of bliss, I was dying, and I knew we had no future. No matter how long I stayed, how hard I tried, or how much I wanted it. So I proceed to accomplish or rather initiate my first break- up knowing that it was the right thing to do, but feeling that my world had come to an end. I remember the day and the weeks that followed clearly. I cried, we fought, I reminisced, he called, I answered, he begged, I cried more. We ended in violence, anger and regret. He be as arrogant as ever said I would be back, and I was set to prove him wrong. He was right. Memories brought me back, and it was memories that drove me away. Memories that were so bad I could not look at him, shit I couldn't even face myself in the mirror After weeks of loneliness, longing and thoughts of old times, I was back. Hoping to rekindle any flame that remained before certain events caused me to loathe him. He took me back. I discovered that I had scarred him, and he desperate and maliciously tried to get back at me. I had put myself in the position to be hurt again. This time a saw the dagger stab me in the heart and I was too late to move. After finally realizing what we had was gone, buried somewhere irretrievable, I let go and moved on in order to save my sanity, because my dignity was already far too gone.
But some people just don't know how to let go. Eight months later and I'm still battling my demons. Unfortunately he still has a grasp on my sanity, there is an undeniable unbreakable link that will forever hold us together. And although I stated that forgiving is easy. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive and as long as I live I know I've never ever forget. As I'm fighting for my sanity back, I have once again given my heart to someone who is also willing to join the war. So far it's working.
New Beginnings
So I find my self starting a blog! Why? I have no clue, but after reading Conz I felt a lil inspired. The fact that is 2:30 am and I can't sleep doesn't help the cause. This is suppose to be relaxing, I'll see how that goes. Either one of two things will happen. 1) I'll get extremely bored with it and stop. or 2) I'll get extremely into this and become addicted. So welcome inside my head.
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