Indian Summer

How do I get better, once I've had the best.

So I've been overcome with the overwhelming feeling to change my life around. It start my life plan over. Begin again. For the longest I've NEVER wanted to have children. EVER. Not because I don't like children, but because I didn't want the responsibility. I didn't want to be in charge of someone else's life. Be a main component of someone else's outcome. After all, I realize how I turned out. But now I can't wait. In fact, I'm starting to think that I would be much happier being a stay at home mom.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.

I supposedly have a best friend I never talk to. And question presented before was whether I would make a contact attempt. My first thought "why, it wont be returned". My second thought, "I'd rather not deal with the fakeness." You can't go from barely talking to someone for a year to spending the summer with them? I believe I've lost a friend....

I can't stop, don't care if lose, you are the weapon i choose.....I'm going down in flames for you

So, I think I'm almost to the point where I'm ready to tell my dad, I'm over it. I'm over trying to please him. And I not ever planning to let go of steven, so he can get that thought out his head....babe, I'm going down in flames for you.

Life's like an hourglass glued to the table.

Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time. And then sometimes, I'm glad I can't. Mistakes help you learn and grow. I believe I would be a different a person if I haven't gone through some of the stuff I've been through. I'm wiser, but little more weary of the world now. I've wear my heart on my sleeve, and some people take that for granted. I've done giving out slices of my heart, you have to earn it now...including my dad.

And she will be loved.

I've found someone who loves me for me and its the most amazing thing I've ever felt. To know that I can just be myself, and not the person I think he wants. I don't have to try or act...I just have to be. I don't have to censor my thoughts, I don't have to be ashamed. I used to think, that no one would want to put up with me and therefore I had to adapt to the needs of others. But here I am just being plain old Danielle, flaws and all, and I'm loved :)

I lost my fake id.

I'm learning who I am each and everyday, not the good girl I been taught to be. I realize that I do indeed have an identity separate from what my parents thought I should be. That I don't have to ignore that thoughts and impulses that don't agree with those of my parents. I'm not a robot, I have my own thoughts, goals, morals. I shouldn't have to pretend. My parents should accept me for who I am.

She even fixs me pancakes and alka-seltzer when my tummy hurts.

I've always envisioned myself of a wife. It's just one of the roles, that I feel completes me. A lot of people think thats bad and sometimes I worry if it is. I shouldn't need a man to complete me right? It's hard to balance yourself with your roles, and many people lose themselves in the roles of wife and mother. I think I would be happy by myself but much happier with someone else.

Blank stares at blank pages....You are not what I thought you were.

Haha this brings me right back to my dad. What do I say to him. To make him realize, I'm not perfect, that I will never be, and therefore I'm going to be content with me. I used to think he was perfect. That he was the greatest father ever. For one, I was home when most dads were MIA. But now I'm not so sure. I still at lot of flaws that I can't get over. Nevertheless, when people attack him, I always found some way to defend him. But I don't think I can't do that for him it anymore. I can't write him a love song.....

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great.


*This post was written with the collabo of Pandora....