Mirror, Mirror

I wrote this like 6 days ago, but here goes.

But I gotta let you know and the shit that I did make me feel like I'm dying real slow. Cause no one understands me. They don't know what to do when I'm hurt and when I'm angry. You was my friend, my man and my daddy.

I started out wanting to right a poem but every attempt turns into some type of letter or blog. As I sit in church, cramping and trying to stay awake on 3 hours of sleep from a restless tearful night.

Last night I was listening to Nicki Minaj's Autobiogaphy hich is easily my favorite song. I've listened to it a million times before but last night I cried hella tears. I could blame it on pms and I think that's what I'll do. lol.

Last night I realize the song centered around three very important people that I'll probably never escape: my father, Steven and my unborn child. She captures an emotion so raw on that track, so real, so similar.


"I hate you so much that it burns when I look at you"

That's how I feel when I talk to my dad. I don't want to waste my words on him. Nothing I say or do, will improve my relationship with him and he lost his opportunity a long time ago. I feel I said everything I would ever want to say to him. I'M NOT BACKING DOWN THIS TIME.

Eventually I will stop blogging about him. One day he won't get to me at all. One day it'll be as if he doesn't exist. Just not anytime soon :(


To concieve you then leave you. The concept alone seems evil. I'm trapped in my conscience.

I WILL NEVER LET GO OF THIS. IT'S TRAPPED IN MY CONSCIENCE. It's been over a year since I did it. And he or she would've been one years old earlier this month. I've alloed myself to forget the date in order to heal and move on. I've gotten a lot better. Still I'll always feel a tiny void.

So I talked about everything but what I planned to talk about. Perhaps in the next post I'll get around to it. I should get back to paying attention in church.

So Gone

You make me feel so gone.

So tomorrow is the first official day I go home since my birthday/Easter. Yeah I know. I've only been in that house to drop off some clothes. And the reason for that is simple: my father.

I cannot be in a room with him for longer than 15 minutes without killing myself. He is the most hypocritical person I know. When I'm around him I either want to kill him or myself.

Face to face, we will be tomorrow. Without me being able to use my cousin or anything else as an excuse. I know he will want to discuss, what I do want to discuss, let alone think about. But I can't run from it anymore. Cat's out the bag. This is most one shot to tell him that I'm an individual and I will no longer blindly follow him. I wont let my spirit, my happiness, my freedom be broken my him.

If he can't open-mindedly aceept that, he will deeply regret it in the future. Because seeing me will be like a seeing a blue moon.

If we can't cordially do this, I'm so gone, and I might not be coming back. The only person that has the power to make me consider it is my brother. I love him as if I carried him for nine months and pushed him out myself, but I swear if I have to choose between being captive to see him and escaping with my sanity, I'll choose my sanity and hope he'll understand in the future.