When I am honest with myself. I miss him. Very much. I miss how we use to be. I believe it this poison I surrounded by that makes me think otherwise. The constant independent woman empowerment thats taken to another level. The common "woman scorned" syndrome rubbing off on me, when he has done nothing to offend me. Or perhaps the you can do better. Even better the summer season of "fuck 'em and forget 'em. I am clouded by the strong woman that I am suppose to me, just as every other woman in my family is. I see the flaws in my childhood role model and yet I am magnetically stepping into her footsteps as if she herself is possessing my mind and body.

I need to be away, alone, under the warm glow of sunlight and the green tones of grass. Where I can take pleasures in the simple things and write poetry.

I'm a horrible person

Possibly the Last

I think this will possibly the last time I come home for the summer. Things go so wrong. I'd rather be left alone but their is no possibility of that. I'd rather just fast forward a couple of year, but that's also not possible. Why are things so well, and then so bad. Why are we not allowed long term happiness. Why is that so hard to achieve.

I think I'll go home in a little while.

Finally face my dad and get it over with. Finally be allowed to sink into my solitude. I think I've had enough excitement for a while. Think I've done my independence thing.

I realize I'm just bound not to have fun in the summer. I've havent had a fun summer since before high school. I'd like to say I've gotten used to it. But each year I have high hopes that fall through.

I done with hoping, wishing, and planning. It's all a waste. In the end I never get what I want. Never get what I worked hard for. Never get what I deserve. So what's the point in trying.

I always have big goals. And part of be wants to achieve them. And another part wants me to sink into background. Lead a quiet, peaceful life. Get away from this world, in which I don't fit. It hurts sometimes to know I don't fit.

Sometimes I just don't feel like trying anymore. Sometimes the extra effort is a little too much.