Aluminum Cans and String

There is a reason I do not pass text messages along. Is there a reason? There is a reason. A reason. Reason. You learn stuff that makes you think about stuff, that makes you think about other stuff. All its all Conz fault! The first message I've past along to a multitude of people. And I get a "I hate your guts" from Phil which is expected. But then the unexpected. I get a "I still wanna have sex with you". I read it twice debating if it's a joke or not. His way of being funny, I'm not sure because I'm not in front of him to see his smile light up his already bright face, and there is no just kidding following his statement. At a loss of words, I call my bestest, bfff, my boyfriend and share this news. Very lightly, very jokenly. However, I can't help being ever so slightly curious and I want to know why. Why?! Why after all this time is he still wondering what it would be like to have sex with me?

Not to say on those lonely nights more than fours months ago, I didn't wonder the same thing. That what if syndome. Yet I have been long over those lonely nights. And the thought no longer crossed my mind, until tonight.

In attempt to boost my already large ego, I tell him that I don't think that he could just have sex with me. Answering my question with a question, He asks could I just have sex with him. But somewhere in my mind, the word "just" changed meanings. My thoughts are replaced with imagery of him kissing down my navel ever so slowly. His body as he picked me off the floor and carried me to the bed and laid me across it. This scene that didn't end in the bond of bodies, played out like a romance novel. The look in his eyes -- the sincerity, no pleading, the desire, but not neediness -- the touch of his hands against my thin body, his hesistation to ensure my comfirmation, his gentleness against his strength. His soft lips pressed ever so lightly against mine and then slowly applying pressure. The way he grabbed my nose, the way he always does. How he wrapped my legs around him, fluidly rocking me back and forth, as if lulling a baby to sleep. What didn't end in a bonding of bodies, had to end in something else, for I haven't felt that connection with anyone else. And he admits neither has he.

This brings me to that often talked about topic: sex vs. making love. What is the difference? Is there a difference? How do you know which one you're doing? Can you decide or is it just something that has to be there?

I can't answer this questions. I wish I could. All I know is what happened that night, what I was doing before and what I'm doing now is all different. That night I felt a connection that didn't feel like I was about to have sex, didn't simply feel like pleasure. Yet how can you can such a connection with someone you've barely been with for a month. It just doesn't seem fair. Currently I don't feel like I'm just having sex, yet I don't feel like I'm making love. This is frustrating! I want to know why!

Why could we feel that, yet couldn't maintain a relationship?

I have no hard feeling for him. We had a nice clean break-up. I would say it was mutual but it was not, it was his decision. Yet his decision did not leave me heartbroken, it did not leave me bitter. And because of this, I am able to remain his friend. I was never I really big fan of second chances. But we did give our relationship a second chance. But it didn't last long. Haha, he even stood me up for prom. However, that wasn't such a bad thing because it caused a snowball effect that led me to my current relationship status. :) . And I am truly, unbelievably happy.

But now I can't help wonder about that spark...

From an ending comes new beginnings

So, I went on a rant about Will and Scientology. But I must say that I forgot about all that an hour ago. The last hour of that movie really picked up. The movie was good I must say. Truly better than it started out. It takes real compassion to do what Will's character did. I know I could never do it. But anyhow, good movie. I made me cry the last 15 minutes in anticipation of what was going to happen. I just knew it, I felt it coming. Well sort of. lmao. Ugh! I hate my sensitivity though! It's a movie, I shouldn't be crying!!! DAMN!

Drop A Hint

So here is my Christmas List
1. new parents
2. new roommates

haha naw I'm just kidding.

So I'm currently watching 7 Pounds. Yes, I know it just came out about two hours ago. Yes, I know I'm a criminal. But in the words of a wise friend. It's only illegal if you download, not if you watch it online.

So I'm watching this movie that I wouldn't dare pay to go see. It's not all that! And I realize that Will Smith has been coming out with some random or just plain weird/creepy shit. (I'm terrified of I am Legend, although it was good). Then I realize that he's also into that Scientology stuff.

Then I think omg Tom Cruise is into that Scientology stuff and he has also been coming out with some crazy movies. Then I think about Katie Holmes....what can I say about poor Katie Holmes (except that she's not poor) But the child has looked deranged, sickly, crazy, just in bad shape since she hooked up with Tom. So I have a thought, what if all this is connected!

Since I'm such an internet addict. Yes, I admit I have a problem, but I'm not seeking help yet...I know I should be though because it's definitely affecting my sleep. But anyways, so I type into my little google box "scientology" and of course wiki pops up.

Mind you in watching this movie too...mmhmm is it a coincidence that some of the stuff on the wiki site matches some stuff in the movie..or perhaps I'm just tired and making false connections. Or could it be that I'm bored and just want to blog?

Whatever the reason, the word "audit" sticks out to me. Will Smith plays a IRS agent or whatever you call the people that repo your shit if you don't pay the government. He does this thing where he goes around "auditing" sickly people, in which he kind of observes them to determine if they are good people or whatnot and if he should help them, I'm guess from he's flashbacks he cause some terribe accident that killed his wife and maybe six other people. But I'm not sure because I paused the movie to write this...

So he's doing this "audit" interview type counseling sessions with this people. And I'm reading on the wiki scientology page that they have this thing by the same title. Oh wow! What a coincidence, what a surprise.

What is an audit in terms of scientology? Well according to wiki, auditing is a one-on-one session with a Scientology counselor or "auditor" (can anybody say will smith?) in which the "preclear" discloses specific traumatic incidents, prior transgressions, or bad decisions. The auditor may collect personal information about the person being audited and it is kept in a folder called the preclear folder ( note that will smith was seen throughout the movie with folders while "auditing" the people he would later decided whether to help or not).

Will makes a mention of spaceships and outerspace which is what the Scienology belief is founded on. Belivers belive some alien ruler brought people to Earth in spaceships.

Haha maybe I'm just overanalyizing stuff..it's late, I'm tired. And I still have an hour of the movie to finish....or maybe Will is just dropping a hint who knows.


***All I know is that I can't get down with Scientology, just because they think psychiatry is evil. And that my future career. :(. Haha so no scientology for me. I think Imma stick with Jesus. lol.

What if the apple wants to roll away from the tree?

So I got distracted by what I really wanted to blog because my roommate is fucking IGNORANT! So I come in from work about an hour ago, shower and shit, about to knock out some homework and some reading. So naturally I have my light on, right? This trick (thought I'd be nice and not call her a bitch!), so anyway this trick instead of asking me to maybe turn my light off, or be diplomatic about the situation decides to act childish. Don't you hate when people deeply sigh and huff when they're irritated by something instead of using words. So she's doing that, while tossing and turning, finally she decides to cover herself with her blanket and pillow! Now normally I'm nice about shit like this, its late people wanna sleep so normally I would stumble in the darkness so she wouldn't have to be disturbed by my light. Not after watching seeing "It's Pimpin Pimpin' (ok maybe not a good excuse) I decided to have to be in tune with my motherfucking star player, which is me! So I'm in a "fuck that" mood! And if she wants to be ignorant, I can be ignorant too. Although I do know that two wrongs do not make a right. lol.

Which brings me to what my original topic was: my mother! It has always been my goal to NEVER EVER be like my mother, but unfortunately we are more alike than I would like to believe or reveal. Her characteristics have always been dominate in me although I would never admit. I get my attitude, my facials expressions, my figure from my mom. Every gesture I make can somewhat be derived from my mom.

I've always considered my mom evil, like a total bitch! Yet now that I'm no longer at home, I've recently discovered that this is not the case 100% of the time. I think our relationship is building a stronger foundation now. We chat through AIM, watch videos on YouTube, do stuff that I've always wanted to do with my mom. But I can only wonder why now and not when I was at home?

I have learned many life lessons from her. Many that I didn't think were important before. I used to think that it was best to always try to be nice to others. But my mom taught me niceness will get you run over! That is so true, people tend to take advantage of the kind, generous people. You will not be liked by everyone and you are only being real with yourself when you have enemies! Most people never like to see you prosperous or happy. If everyone loves you 1) they're either fake and talk about you behind your back or 2) you're fake and you adapt to the people around you.

I think most importantly is that don't be so quick to make friends. Everyone isn't friend material. I remember I had a conversation with Steven about what I thought a friend was or should be, and he made mention that maybe my standards were too high. I get my standards of a friend from my mom. Friends are those you are loyal, caring and there for you whenever, where ever. The type that's willing to stay up to 3 am helping you through your problems, the type that will cry with you, laugh with you. The ones that WON'T lie to you just to make you feel better or to keep you from hurting but will tell the truth and offer comfort afterwards.

And so it isn't a big surprise that neither me nor my mom have many friends. I think we can both count our friends on one hand. I love her no nonsense when it comes to friends. If a person can easily violate your trust, drop them cause they're not really a friend. I can't even count the number of times I've told my mom about friend problems and she told me to drop them. Yet I didn't and in the end I was stabbed in the back. It's okay to be associates, to have hanging buddies, but you have to earn the right to be a friend!

So I think maybe it's not so bad that I'm like my mother. She's taught me to be strong and independent, not to let little things interfere with my life. Her favorite sayings: "Why do you like such small things affect your day?" "If I can make you upset, then it mean I'm not upset" Ha ha, I think I get all my indifference from her! I love my mom, even if she can act a little bipolar at times.