Life Needs An Eraser

So as I'm listening to B's new cd, it reminds me of how much I love Steven. Then Broken-hearted Girl comes on. And so unexpectedly. So out of the blue. Tears start to stream down my face. And even though I want to stop, as I try to stop, I can't. I hate that. I hate when music overpowers me to the point that I can't think, til images and memories flood me and I am overcome with emotion.

Broken-Hearted Girl is precisely the story of my life. My life prior to Steven. My life a year ago. Wow its been a year and yet I remember every detail as if it were yesterday. As if he broke my heart yesterday. I stayed longer than I should've because I didn't want to be the broken heart girl, I didn't want to be that girl. So I stayed and tried to hold on to the good while everything else was callapsing around me. I can't even pick out one of part of the song because all of its true. Every verse every line, every word. But the line that stands out the most is "You're the only one I wish I could forget, The only one I love not to forgive".

I hate that I reacted this way to this song because I so want to be over it. To not think of him at all and to not feel anything when I do. Do cuts go so deep that they never fully heal, that when you touch the scars they still hurt? I feel I'll never truely be at peace and I want to, I need to. Even when I have someone who is just almost perfect, somebody who treats me so good, loves me so much. He fits B's "Halo" perfectly but yet I still get caught up in the past. How do I let go and move on?

The Sun Doesn't Shine Here

Not long ago, I gave up hope
But you came along
And gave me something
I could hold onto

The World Has Its Shine (but I would Drop It on a Dime)
~Cobra Starship

After revealing my deepest darkest secret to my best friend. I have heard a mumbled I love you and silence. Dead silence. Nothing. No words. No sound. Emptiness. She had hung up. And I was left sitting in a room with my roommates, not knowing what to do. So I did what I thought was logical to me. Steven.

The problem with dating your bestest. Is that when you're mad at your boyfriend, you have no one. You can't exactly separate the two. And so I sit here with one friend in shock and tears and the other taking shots of tequila and texting me song lyrics.

I'm hurt, but I know I hurt my bestfriend more. "why didn't you tell me, I would've told you" I didn't even have a chance to offer a reason. But there are no reasons. You don't keep secrets from best friends right. I chose to struggle. By myslef when I could have had support

But I didn't know that then and I'm not sure if I know it now.......