Vice Versa

And I thought irony only existed in books.....


Just when I thought I had everything I could possibly want or need. Just when I thought I was happy. Scratch that, I am happy, or at least I'm trying to be. I get knocked back down, and this time there's not much I can do to stop it.

That's what happens when you become emotionally attached to something or someone. It's like the 'twin effect.' Even when you're not together you feel every little thing. You hurt when they hurt, laugh when they laugh and cry when they cry. Being the sympathetic person I am, I usually have no problem with this except when it jeopardizes my sanity.

I have been battling depression for a very long time. This past year more so than ever. I even have scars to prove it. Hurt and pain from deep within prevented me from functioning. I couldn't make it through a week without breaking down. So many years I fought off harmful thoughts.

And this year almost miraculously I feel like a brand new person. I stopped crying my self to sleep every night. The dark poetry and journals ceased, and I felt free. I found someone who loved me through all my mistakes and that in turn helped me love myself. Helped me stop being so critical of my self. To leave the past in the past and move on to a brighter future.

Now the one who helped me overcome my depression has fallen into one. I should be supportive, right? I know how it feels to be so low. I should be able to help, right?

I should but I CANNOT. I can't go back to that place. As much as I want to be there and to help I can't do it. It's selfish of me to demand happiness. But I know I can't go back to crying every night. As much as I love him, my thought today was not to call him because I can tolerate the sound of sadness in his voice. It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do about it. I wish there was a simple cure, but there isn't.

I feel so selfish. he tolerated my depression for all these years. And even though he didn't know what to say or do, he was there. The least I could do is try. And I want to help in every way I can.

But I cannot go back down the road. I can't blindly follow him down that path. I love him so dearly, but I won't lose my sanity. I don't know what to do......