Mirror, Mirror

I wrote this like 6 days ago, but here goes.

But I gotta let you know and the shit that I did make me feel like I'm dying real slow. Cause no one understands me. They don't know what to do when I'm hurt and when I'm angry. You was my friend, my man and my daddy.

I started out wanting to right a poem but every attempt turns into some type of letter or blog. As I sit in church, cramping and trying to stay awake on 3 hours of sleep from a restless tearful night.

Last night I was listening to Nicki Minaj's Autobiogaphy hich is easily my favorite song. I've listened to it a million times before but last night I cried hella tears. I could blame it on pms and I think that's what I'll do. lol.

Last night I realize the song centered around three very important people that I'll probably never escape: my father, Steven and my unborn child. She captures an emotion so raw on that track, so real, so similar.


"I hate you so much that it burns when I look at you"

That's how I feel when I talk to my dad. I don't want to waste my words on him. Nothing I say or do, will improve my relationship with him and he lost his opportunity a long time ago. I feel I said everything I would ever want to say to him. I'M NOT BACKING DOWN THIS TIME.

Eventually I will stop blogging about him. One day he won't get to me at all. One day it'll be as if he doesn't exist. Just not anytime soon :(


To concieve you then leave you. The concept alone seems evil. I'm trapped in my conscience.

I WILL NEVER LET GO OF THIS. IT'S TRAPPED IN MY CONSCIENCE. It's been over a year since I did it. And he or she would've been one years old earlier this month. I've alloed myself to forget the date in order to heal and move on. I've gotten a lot better. Still I'll always feel a tiny void.

So I talked about everything but what I planned to talk about. Perhaps in the next post I'll get around to it. I should get back to paying attention in church.